but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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