Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
