I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
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