I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize