Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
