Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
