Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
