last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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