My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
