The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
one might say we're banned from that church
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
