Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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