Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
