Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
