So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
