I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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