Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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