whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
