Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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