They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I came so hard my ears popped.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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