And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
