dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
