A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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