you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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