And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
