How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
