My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
