Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
