I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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