I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize