I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
