I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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