I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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