Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize