I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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