you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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