I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
