Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
