I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
a search helicopter?!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
