Your face is a jimmy john
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
