There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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