i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Houston, we have a squirter
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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