good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
