Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
