seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
