if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
