better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
