there's paper in my vomit.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
