I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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