He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Randomize
