I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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