walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
