do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
