I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
