I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
