why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
