I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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