ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
