He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
