Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
