I think I died a long time ago.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
