just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
